The first time I saw a nun I was eight and had no idea what this woman dressed in black was. We were singing Christmas carols at the hospital and my Blue Bird leader told me a nun belonged to God. That was enough for me! Right then and there I decided I would be a nun. The fact that I was not Catholic did not matter! My journey to Carmel was not simple, however, and I had a few detours along the way.

I joined the Church at sixteen and was in the convent at eighteen. At fifteen I learned about Carmel but for the sake of my family I tried a community of active Carmelites… it did not work.

I visited several monasteries after I left my community but Carmel did not seem in my future. I was really torn–while I believed God wanted me in Carmel, it was not happening. I began to question if this desire was my will rather than God’s. I needed a place to pray and found it when a friend going on retreat asked me to drive her to the retreat center which was also a convent. The Sisters were very nice and began to invite me to dinner–several years later I entered the community.

It was not an easy decision. I still felt called to Carmel but it was not a choice. My spiritual directors told me repeatedly, you have a vocation so what are you going to do about it? I had grown to love the Sisters at Mercy and one day I heard myself saying, Why not here? It was something I never expected to happen.

Fast forward fourteen years. By this time I was working as a chaplain at a Level I trauma center. Anyone who has worked in trauma knows it is a heart wrenching experience. It also shows how fragile life is. Trauma was as demanding as it was draining but I loved it. People could not understand how I loved working in a place where the patients were either victims of violence or of terrible accidents. It was not the broken bodies that attracted me, it was the broken hearts of those who had to endure these tragic situations. I ministered to both the families and the staff and saw it as a chance to be God’s compassionate presence.

During this time, I again started to feel the call to a deeper life of prayer. It became a real issue and my spiritual director finally told me that I was killing myself spiritually by remaining in an active community. I knew she was right but it tore me to the quick. I loved the religious life yet was being advised to leave in order to live! Leaving was a difficult choice. I still worked in the hospital but I missed community. I knew I had to be faithful to this call even if it meant life as a single person.

Several months after I left I received a letter from a Sister in my first community. Her letter was short and to the point. She simply told me, I was sorry to learn that you left your community but I told you twenty years ago that you belong in Carmel. Included in the envelope were a listing of Carmels and their addresses! I was so angry I threw the envelope across the room and said, she must be crazy if she thinks I am going to try Carmel!

A year passed and the envelope remained in a drawer. God nudged and I pushed back; he gave me signs–I tried to ignore them. During my annual retreat my spiritual director told me I should listen to my friends. I told her she must be crazy too! She looked me straight in the eye and said, You have never said, “no” to God in your life and I cannot imagine you going to start now! I just stared at her. . .it was finished.

I surrendered. Why? . . She was right. I have always tried to do what God wanted although I have not always succeeded. In the hospital I often heard dying people say, I wish I had . . . or heard a dead person’s family say, he/she wanted to be . . .and had so many dreams . . .Regrets and lost dreams. I didn’t want to face that when it came time to die.

I believe God calls us to do specific things at specific times in our life even though we may not know when or what it is. God wanted me in Mercy and now in Carmel. God has a plan for each of us, no matter how many detours there seems to be along the way. It took courage to start again but I had to take the risk and live the life to which I truly felt called. No regrets.