Why can’t I have a baby sister? I need someone to talk to too! In my family I was the only girl with two older brothers, a regular tomboy to the core. At night when all the lights were out I could hear my parents softly talking to one another in their room and my brothers’ muffled giggles coming from the room they shared. As I lay in my bedroom alone, it only seemed natural to turn to God since I wasn’t going to get a sister. Every night God and I had long conversations until I would fall asleep. Because of these nightly conversations I never questioned the existence of God as many teenagers and young adults do. But, there were times when I felt I really didn’t need him in my life every day.
As I grew, life became more and more involved. School work and my social life became the all-important things and God was relegated to the back burner where, I thought, he was content to be for the time being.
Leaving home for college was a challenging time for me where I found myself on my own for the first time. New ideas and beliefs were introduced. It was a time for a fresh start, to establish my life anew and head in the direction I felt drawn. I was studying to become an elementary teacher and was enjoying my studies. But, my old friend, God, decided that he wanted a say in my decisions as well.
Ever so gently, God would come and nudge me reminding me of his presence in my life and calling me into a deeper relationship with him. At the time, I was not yet Catholic but was being drawn to the Church. I didn’t understand where this desire was coming from since I knew no Catholics and, at first, it scared me. I would sneak off to the college library searching for anything I could find to read against the Catholic faith. The more I read the more I found myself defending the Church and identifying with what I read. In time, I found myself knocking on the rectory door asking the parish priest how I could become a Catholic.
I settled happily into my new faith-life and my new profession as a teacher. I thought now I would live happily ever after. But God, had other plans. Once again the nudges came, but this time stronger and more persistent. I didn’t understand. I had become a Catholic, I had graduated from college and started a career. What else could he want from me?
A vocation to the religious life is a gift of pure love from God. It is the continuation or fuller expression of one’s Baptism, in which we are called to holiness. In Baptism each person is called to share the mission of Christ and is given the capacity to grow in the love and service of the Lord. God was giving me the means to concentrate more fully on him and his work by offering me the gift of a religious vocation. He waited patiently, yet lovingly nudging me until I was ready to accept his gift.
My life as a Discalced Carmelite Nun has been a time of great joys yet mixed with some pangs. It was not easy to let go of my independence and to ponder the Lord’s law day and night as is demanded in our Rule. Yet, I know that God will give me the grace I need to face the many challenges that are a part of religious life. In Carmel, I have found peace and fulfillment. God has given me abundant blessings and continues to lead me deeper and deeper into his love.
The first time I saw a nun I was eight and had no idea what this woman dressed in black was. We were singing Christmas carols at the hospital and my Blue Bird leader told me a nun belonged to God. That was enough for me! Right then and there I decided I would be a nun. The fact that I was not Catholic did not matter! My journey to Carmel was not simple, however, and I had a few detours along the way.
